“I Don’t Feel Like Myself”
Navigating the Identity Shift of Perimenopause and Menopause
“Where did I go?!”
I hear versions of this question all the time in my practice.
Incredibly strong, resilient, clever people who have spent years taking care of themselves and everyone around them suddenly find themselves struggling to figure out what is “wrong” with them.
This human who has ALWAYS been able to figure things out can’t get her brain to cooperate. She can’t understand why she can’t just “snap out of this” like she has so many other things throughout her life.
And this is someone who has spent decades becoming pretty damn good at being herself.
She knows how her brain works. What her body needs. What makes her happy. How she handles stress. How she works, loves, connects and moves through the world.
And then the rules seem to change.
Seriously? THIS is perimenopause and menopause?
One of the most disorienting parts of this transition can be not recognizing yourself inside your own life.
Menopause Doesn’t Just Happen to One Part of You
Most of us didn't grow up hearing much about menopause beyond hot flashes and weird hairs suddenly growing out of unfortunate places. (Mama Whiskers, as my friend Natalie Cronin calls them.)
But this is so much bigger than hot flashes and Mama Whiskers.
Menopause doesn't just happen to one part of you.
It can affect how you sleep. Your energy. Your mood. Your ability to concentrate. Your relationship with your body. Your sexuality and desire. Your relationships. Your work. Your confidence. Even the things you care about.
How would that NOT affect the way you experience yourself?
This is a new season, and I keep thinking about the way seasons actually happen: the earth shifts in relationship to the sun.
Our axis is shifting, too.
You are still you. I promise.
But your relationship with yourself and the things around you may be changing.
“But I’ve Always Been Able to Handle Things.”
The people I work with are, for the most part, incredibly capable. They are smart, forward-thinking, resourceful, independent and accustomed to figuring things out.
And then BAM. Perimenopause.
Where did this anxiety come from?
I've always held my shit together. Why can't I get organized?
Why can't I sleep?
Why don't I care about things I used to care about?
WHY CAN'T I JUST FIX THIS?!
Now there are two struggles happening at once.
Things feel different AND you're judging yourself for not being able to handle the fact that things feel different.
What if, instead of asking, “How do I make myself be like the old me again?” we started asking:
“What does this version of me need?”
When Sexuality Is Part of Your Identity
This shift can become even more complicated when sexuality has been an important part of how you understand yourself.
Maybe the desire you knew intimately isn't there in the same way anymore.
Maybe your body responds differently.
Maybe it feels harder to access your sexy.
Or maybe (and we don't talk about this enough)you don't particularly want to.
I've worked with people mourning their loss of desire, their perceived loss of desirability and others who are pretty damn happy to be free from some of it, if not all.
There is so much conversation about “reclaiming” sexuality during menopause, but what if sexuality isn't something we need to get back?
What if it's evolving?
Maybe you want your libido back more than anything.
Maybe you're realizing that some of what you considered sexy was performative.
Maybe you're relieved to no longer receive the same kind of attention.
Maybe you don't know what you want yet.
Sexuality does not look the same for everyone, and it doesn't have to look the same throughout every season of one person's life.
Helping my clients discover what THEY want it to mean now is one of the great privileges of my work.
For Current and Former Sex Workers, There Can Be Another Layer
When your body, sexuality, desirability or sexual performance are also connected to your work and income, perimenopause and menopause can bring up another set of questions.
Who am I if I'm not desired in the same way?
What happens if my clientele changes?
Can I continue doing this work in the same way?
Do I even want to?
If I leave, who am I outside the industry?
What the hell would I do next?
Hitting menopause does NOT automatically mean leaving the sex industry.
Some people love what they do and want to figure out how their work can evolve with them. Others may be beyond ready for something different.
Neither answer is the “right” one.
My work isn't to decide for someone.
It's to help them navigate the identity underneath the decision.
What If Backward Isn't the Goal?
Something I've been noticing lately is how much menopause language is about getting things BACK.
Get your body back.
Your energy back.
Your libido back.
Your confidence back.
Your old self back.
That doesn't sit right with me.
What if backward isn't the goal?
Yes, there may be grief for who you were or what was. I don't think we should skip that part and rush straight into positivity.
You can appreciate your body AND miss your old body.
You can be grateful to be aging AND grieve what's ending.
You can be excited about what's ahead AND be scared shitless about getting there.
Both things can be true.
You don't have to immediately love your new season. You have permission to be messy in this very messy middle.
But I keep coming back to one question:
If you stopped trying to get the old you back, who might you have room to become?
Hello, New Season
As our axis shifts, it's easy to become frustrated, depressed or anxious about where we're headed.
I'm not going to give you five steps to “reinvent yourself.” That doesn't feel particularly authentic or realistic to me.
What may be more helpful is becoming curious instead of furious about the person you are right here and now.
What has actually changed?
What are you grieving?
What do you genuinely miss?
What do you think you're supposed to miss?
What no longer fits?
What does your body need now?
What brings you joy now?
What do you want work, relationships and sexuality to look like now?
You didn't disappear.
You're still here. Just tilted a new way.
Maybe, for right now, we can simply say:
Hello, new season.
I AM HERE.
And that's enough.
If perimenopause or menopause has left you feeling like a stranger in your own body or life, you do NOT need to know exactly what's wrong before reaching out.
We can start with:
“I don't feel like myself anymore.”
That's enough.
Are you a current or former sex worker navigating perimenopause, menopause or what comes next?